I thought I’d do you the kind favor, the patriotic duty of a blogger, of creating for you the Good American Workout Guide to Excellence and Prosperity.
In preparation for July 4th festivities, I have been on a torrid streak of working out for the past two weeks doing approximately 30 minutes of soul-crushing, teary-eyed workouts that leave me clinging to the ground afterward. I do these workouts on my backyard patio and usually end up with cement creases in my face from the inability to gather myself after my muscles retire. All of this so that when I put on my American flag bandana and Philadelphia Phillies tank-top, I look like the good ol’ American boy that everybody loves.
After all of the sweating, I thought I’d do you the kind favor, the patriotic duty of a blogger, of creating for you the Good American Workout Guide to Excellence and Prosperity. Now, settle down, we’re all excited to begin, but you must make sure to never compromise form because safety in athletics is paramount. The use of this program is not solely restricted to the 4th day of July this year 2013 or any other.
One of the following
1. The George Washington
The first exercise of the program is dedicated to the first President of the United States of America. A tremendous commander, both physically imposing and intellectually astounding, the 6’2″ leader of colonial forces was called the “best horseman of his age” by none other than Thomas Jefferson. In honor of the great strength and ability of Washington, grab your wiffle ball bat or equivalent and with it between your legs, gallop 5 times around the lawn. Remember, form over speed!
Once you have completed the 5 galloped-laps, you will surely be tired and hungry. Take a ten minute break and have a peanut butter sandwich to re-energize your body. Drinking one cup of water is recommended along with the sandwich. No stretching is required at this point.
2. The Tom Brady
Once you’ve cooled down from the gallop and had your lunch, make sure your teeth are clear of leftover bits because it’s time to take pictures with family and friends. Hopefully you are already dressed patriotically, but if you aren’t, go put on some Old Glory Red and Blue. Do your best Tom Brady and look as beautiful as possible. This task should not be difficult because you will be absolutely glowing from The George Washington. If friends and family are not available, take a selfie.
3. The Miles Davis
Now that you’ve got your muscles warmed up and ready to work, we move into the next stage of the workout. The Miles Davis once again makes use of the lightweight stick/bat/mallet you’re using. This exercise contains some tricky maneuvers, but just remember, form over speed.
Depending on the object you’re using, bring one end of the Wiffle Ball Bat or equivalent close to your mouth, but make sure it does not touch your lips because often times Wiffle Ball Bats get dirty. With the barrel of the bat initially straight out and parallel to the ground, begin to slowly tilt the bat upward so that the end of the bat is high in the air and the handle is still close to your lips. Next, make a few funky jazz moves. This is much of an improvisation exercise and really works your core as you balance and use muscle confusion to maintain contraction throughout the abdominal area.
Some people have a tendency to over-perform during this task and I would like to remind you to stay safe and do not overexert.
4. The Annie Oakley
You’re probably drenched in sweat already, but there are just a couple more exercises in the circuit and remember, You Can Do This! The Annie Oakley requires only a bit of space and is essentially an innovative way to achieve greater success than running in place. Begin by closing your eyes and imagining the world’s greatest markswoman standing in front of you. Now you better start running in place because she’s taking aim at your feet! Keep ‘em moving! This should bring your heart-rate up a good bit. Remember to use controlled motions and proper technique to avoid Annie’s bullets.
5. The Bald Eagle
Now that we’ve made it to the final exercise, you would be remiss to not read on and complete the journey. The bald eagle is a magnificent creature and is symbol of many things that are great about the USA. That is why we conclude our workout with our imitation of this great animal. Either crouching or sitting in a chair, straighten your back as if you were a bald eagle perched on a branch. Slowly gaze out into the distance of where you are. Keep breathing, Eagle. Perch for three minutes silently.
How do you feel? Excellent and prosperous?
Happy Independence Day.
||By Isaac ClarkIsaac is a Fitness/Sandwich Monster at SportsUnlimited.com